


Stutter

by FakeYourRideForTreeHands



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Fanfiction, Multi, Teen Crush, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:04:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14372490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakeYourRideForTreeHands/pseuds/FakeYourRideForTreeHands
Summary: Tyler stutters...Like a lot. Therefore, he chooses not to speak to most people. But, Josh has managed to pry the words out of him. There's more though, because Tyler is just now starting to figure himself out the more he hangs out with Josh. And, when he tries to juggle handling Blurry and keeping it from Josh... Things get real very quick.Enjoy this emotional rollercoaster.{{TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, SELF HARM.}}other than that you're pretty much good to go...





	1. Him

It was truly pathetic. The way that the only thing Tyler could think of is how badly he wanted things to end. How he wanted his brothers and sister to just disappear out of his room, leave him alone for once. How he just wanted to run outside and deep into the forest with nothing but a bag full of rope, a journal, and a pen.  
How instead he lies in his bed and stares at the ceiling while his two brothers argue with each other and his sister just sat in the middle laughing. He just stares up into the white emptiness that hangs over him.  
Do it, a voice in the back of his mind encourages Tyler's dark thoughts. It nags at him all the time, but it's just another voice in his head. Just another voice he has to try to ignore for a little while longer.  
"No..." He mumbles slightly under his breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "Why must you torment me all the time?" He throws his hands onto his head and pulls at his hair, in distress. But of course, his siblings do not think anything of their brother's behavior. He is normal to them and he is forced to suffer in silence in plain sight.  
You're nothing, the voice nags at his head. Tyler just squeezes his eyes tighter, as if that will block out the thoughts. "That's not true..." He feels a tear softly roll down his cheek. He honestly doesn't know if it's because he feels awful or it it's just because his eyes are shut so tight. He thinks it might as well be both, considering that they're both very true.  
Why are you always closing your eyes? Tyler opens his eyes finally, shocked at what he just heard. He sits up in the blinding light and looks down at his young siblings.  
"Tyler, you're okay!" Madison, his precious little sister, throws her arms in the air happily as Tyler climbs out of his bunk bed. He was only sixteen and thinking of ending his life. It was kinda funny though...  
He takes a look around the room. He sees Zack, his 14 year old brother, sitting on the floor while Jay, his 6 year old brother, is chewing on his finger. Madison is looking up at Tyler with wide eyes. He just cracks a smile and places his hand on top of her head. As he walks towards the door, he grabs his book bag and slides on his shoes.  
Loser, the voice in his head comes forward again and he hangs his head low as he drags his feet down the stairs. His mother pats his shoulder and pulls him into a hug, messing with his hair. "How's my little champion?" She talks to him in a low soft voice. The words she used always seemed to warm Tyler up just right. He just smiles wide as he walks out the front door. It was back to school for him. 

The bus was very shaky the entire way to school. It drove Tyler mad, and to top it all off he was the only one not speaking. Everybody around him held their own conversations in front of him, behind him, and next to him. All around him he could hear everything people were saying. Two girls were talking about how they hated coming back to school. He could tell it wasn't their first year in the hellhole they call high school. He spent way too long thinking of how something could go wrong today.  
The bus could crash, it could flip over, it could break down and get hit, you could have an anxiety attack and cause everybody to panic and stop the bus- then you'll be a joke, your bus driver could pass out... The list went on and on until the bus finally pulled into the schoolyard. It was the same school he remembered, still old and in need of repair.  
Tyler silently steps off the bus and looks around. He was surrounded by the dumb ones who somehow were more popular than him. Then, he saw a boy. Nothing was that special about him, his eyes and hair were brown, he was average height. Maybe it was his snakebites. Maybe it was his shirt and his shoes. He just stood so confidently while everybody around him stared down at their shoes. Something about the way that he just sat their with no expression on his face while still looking up at the sky, past the crowd that surrounded him just amazed Tyler. But it wasn't like he would be able to go talk to someone like that out of the blue. He is so socially awkward, it's hard enough for him to talk to his siblings, how do you expect him to go up to a complete stranger who obviously is was more superior than him?  
Why can't you be more like that? The voice mocks him, and he just shakes his head and looks down at his feet like everyone else. 

The classroom smells like teenagers and sweat with a faint rose scent. Lots of girls and boys walk into the door, but he knows none of them. It was humid this time of August. Everybody complained to one another about the heat and nobody came to Tyler. Then, that boy walks in. He wasn't nearly as confident as before, which completely confused Tyler. His hair flopped into his face and his eyes wondered from person to person. He was trying to find his place, which reminded Tyler of himself.  
"Hey," he is in front of Tyler, smiling awkwardly. Tyler looks up but says nothing. "I'm Josh..." His smile doesn't go away at all. Tyler opens his mouth to speak. Just say your name, he thought. His mouth hangs open, but nothing comes out. Josh...he thinks. It fit him well. Josh just sat there with a smile, reading Tyler's expression well.  
"You don't talk much do you? I mean that's okay, I used to be like that too." He looks down at Tyler's desk and smirks. "Tyler, is it?" His eyes glance up at him, and Tyler feels his soul slipping through his toes. He just nods.  
"Okay, I can work with this." Josh sits down at the desk next to Tyler's and pulls everything out of his bag. It wasn't anything serious except for the fact that Tyler has never interacted with another human being before. It wasn't as easy as people made it look, and Tyler had no idea how people could do that. Finally, he swallowed all his irrational fears and squished them down into his toes. He sat down and continued unpacking, slowly looking over at Josh.  
"So, uh...Your name's J-Josh...?" He could feel his face fire up as soon as the word Josh extended its stay. Josh silently looks over at Tyler and just smiles and nods. It was crazy to him how he could just sit there and smile all the time. It seemed pretty unhealthy.  
Idiot...the voice returns to Tyler, mocking his embarrassing stutter. He just shakes his head and looks back down at his desk. "Whatever, shut up." He mumbles under his breath. When he looks up, Josh is looking at him. His expression isn't a smile anymore, but a slight sign of bewilderment. That's when he realized that he is just sitting and talking to himself in front of someone he barely even knows.  
"I'm s-sorry, I-I just do that sometimes..." Shame fills his body to the brim of his head. He curls his fingers and toes and tries to squish all his fears lower into his tip toes. Josh nods in understanding, that smile plastered right back onto his face. "I get it, I do that too." Tyler freezes and looks at him. "Y-you d-do..?" To his surprise, Josh's smile turns into more of a frown as he nods. "More often than not..." His eyes meet Tyler's, who can feel his cheeks start baking.  
"W-wanna eat lunch together...?" Tyler tries to look him in the eyes, but it was hard not to get lost in them. "Yeah, I'd like that. You can sit with me and Debby." Josh pats Tyler's back. He feels something in his chest die. He wasn't exactly sure why he was feeling this way, but he was. It felt like as soon as he agreed to sit with him it felt like a joke. 

First period sucked.  
Tyler tripped over his name during attendance, stuttering like a fool. Josh sat near him and for some reason it comforted him to the point that he calmed down. He had already managed to ruin his clean slate with last year's reputation. Moving schools was supposed to be a good thing, and staying at the same school for two years was also supposed to be a great thing because people remember him. But last year, Tyler sat in the back of the class just like this, but he never spoke like he tried today.  
Second period sucked even harder.  
Tyler was all alone in a corner of the room. Josh was on the other side of the classroom, where all the talkative teens hung out together. He didn't even bat an eyelash when they called him over to sit with them. He just left Tyler sitting by himself on the dim lit side all alone with nothing but his thoughts. The teacher tried an icebreaker activity. He handed us all a paper with questions on it and everyone had to walk around the room and get people's signatures. It was miserable and humiliating when Tyler had to sign papers. It wasn't that his handwriting was horrible, it was that everyone else's was. His handwriting was a beautiful cursive font that was perfectly slurred together to spell his name.  
At some point, Josh signed his paper Joshua Dun. It was very feminine the way he wrote it, and Tyler caught himself giggling at the letters.  
Third period wasn't as bad, however.  
Tyler met a girl. A girl named Jenna, some girl he's forced to sit with in his algebra class. This was also the only class him and Josh didn't share. Him and Jenna just sat there, laughing about almost nothing. She seemed pretty nice in the long run, but something felt off about her. Now, Tyler has experienced being the pity in a friendship, you know that one friend you pretend to like cause you sorta feel bad for them? Well, he was getting a pity vibe from her. Still, he laughed with her and her friend. A girl with red-orange hair and an attitude. Now she was very upfront about how she felt towards Tyler. The first thing she said to him was that he seemed hopeless. It didn't hurt as bad as he thought it would but it still stung a little.

By the time free period came, Tyler had forgotten what he had learned for the past 3 hours. He just wanted to relax. He just wanted this day to end. But, of course he had to endure another 3 hours of meaningless things being spoonfed to him by the underpaid adults that have nothing better to do. It just felt like free period was gonna do nothing for him today, tomorrow, forever. It was just a time to rest our brains and shake out our knowledge and fill up with stupidity in its place. Just as Tyler finally closes his eyes, finally enters a state of mind and peace, a hand softly taps his shoulder. His instinct is to jump and squeal, and when he opens his eyes, Josh is looking down at him.  
"I should've guessed you like quiet places under the shade of a nice oak tree," Josh sweetly cracks that signature smile. Tyler lets out a sigh and nervously laughs. Then, he notices Josh didn't come alone. In his hand is a girl's hand- the girl from third period.  
"Tyler, this is Debby." He happily motions towards the red-orange haired girl with an attitude. She looks at Tyler, scanning him. Her expression is indifferent as she holds out her hand to shake his. "His girlfriend," she lately remarks. Tyler shakes her hand, and the sentence lingers in his chest.  
Girlfriend...? He thinks to himself he should've known. Why not? Of course he'd have a crush on a straight guy.


	2. $30 and A Coupon

Tyler walks into his small room and lets out an exasperated sigh. The first day of 11th grade, and he is finally realizing his sexuality. He throws himself face first onto his small bed and screams into his small pillow. Zack comes in without knocking, without announcing his entrance, without doing anything.  
"You okay?" He sits at the foot of his bed, poking his foot. Tyler just rolls over and groans loudly at the ceiling. "No..." He mutters, throwing his hands over his forehead and eyes. Zack raises an eyebrow and smirks. "What happened, Ty Guy?" He pokes his brother's foot again, and Tyler grunts.  
"I met a person. I talked to the person. I l-like the p-person..." He ignores his own stutter. Zack just smiles and sits next to Tyler's head.  
"Who is this person Tyler?" He nudges his head. Somehow, Tyler knew that his brother knew before he even knew. He peeks through his fingers and his face flushes red. He wasn't ashamed, it was just weird for him. "I-it's a guy....His name is Josh..." As soon as he let's the sentence out into the world, Zack chuckles. It wasn't even close to funny, so Tyler had no idea why his brother was laughing.  
"What are you laughing at, Zack? I'm GAY, nothing's funny about that!" He screams, managing to reduce the stutter to a minimal. Zack wipes away a fake tear and looks down at his brother. "I knew it." That was all he said, and it managed to fire Tyler up so much he screams.  
"You're fourteen how did you even observe that?" He sits up, putting his little brother into a headlock and scruffs his hair. Zack laughs and breaks free from the brotherly love. "Everyone in this house knows it, dude. How did you not know? Hell, I'm straighter than you and I hate when I see a girl's cleavage." That remark makes Tyler just love his brother all the more. He had no regrets.  
"So....tell me about him!" He punches his shoulder vigorously, and Tyler just huffs. "No." He folds his arms and crosses his legs. Zack punches his arm and tugs at it. "Come on!!!!" He screams into his face, trying to get him to talk.  
"Fine! Jeez." Tyler closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "He's not t-too tall, and he has deep brown hair and these g-gorgeous brown eyes. He wore a shirt with an a-alien's head on it and shoes to go with it. He has these a-adorable crescent dimples that are like craters in his cheeks....His smile is outs-standing." He opens his eyes and sees Zack with his eyes wide open. "Okay please stop before I turn gay." He jokes, but Tyler hasn't really been known to have that great of a sense of humor.  
"I can't 'turn you gay' Zack, you ninny." He air quotes him obnoxiously and punches his shoulder. "You know what I mean, you smartass." Zack punches him back and Tyler's expression changes pretty fast. "If mom heard you say that word she'd force feed you Holy Water."  
They both laugh and fall back on the small bed, in the small room, in the small house, in the small town, in the small world.  
"He lives next door, by the way." Zack gets serious and Tyler's eyes spring open. "W-wha...?"  
"Yeah, how have you not noticed him, dude? Mom babysits his little sister all the time." He pokes Tyler's cheek and flashes him a brotherly smile. 

Tyler fell asleep after a while, not really realizing it. But in his dream, there was a tree. That tree had two branches: One with a noose, and one with a phone. What he got from it was do it now or get help. He squinted into the gray fog. He could see red eyes looking back at him. As he walked closer, he was standing in front of a mirror. The eyes belonged to him, but he had painted black hands and a painted black neck. There was a sinister smile plastered on his face. Tyler could feel whatever this part of him was feeling, and he knew that because something dark surfaced to his attention.  
"You," the mirror him pointed at Tyler, smile so wide he looked stuck that way. "You're pathetic. You are an utter disappointment." He lets his finger fall back down to his side, and Tyler just stares in pure shock.  
"Who the hell are you?" He looks and sounds distressed. His hands were violently shaking and he couldn't get them to stop. He examined the figure he was staring at more. He didn't understand why but he couldn't make out his face.  
"I represent your demons, kid. Call me whatever you want." He folds his arms and smirks. Tyler 's frown worsens and he stares into the mirror. "Bl-Blurryface..." He curls up his fingers and toes, trying to squish his fears down into his feet.  
"I like it...Blurryface...How about Blurry for short, I don't have the patience...." He's scratching his chin and looking up. His glowing red eyes burn into Tyler's memory. All he can do is nod, because he can't imagine a perfect him even in his own mind.

Tyler wakes up. That is all he does, just opening his eyes. He doesn't move in the slightest bit, and he doesn't blink for at least 30 seconds. His body stays stiff, and he can feel tears falling down his cheeks again. He lets out a soft whimper, which turns into a loud cry. Loud enough to fill the entire room and not concern anybody else in the house, not that anybody was in the house anyways. His mom and dad have left him in the house to rest while they scooped up his siblings and went out.  
He stands up and walks silently out of his door. The floor squeaks as he steps on loose floorboards and the air temperature descends as he slowly makes his way down the stairs. All the lights are off, and the sunset's rays shine through the blinds.  
Worthless, Blurry hissed in Tyler's ear. It was so real it was like he was next to him. He just shakes his head and walks back upstairs, into the bathroom across from his bedroom. The mirror reflects him, and for a second his eyes look hollow. When he blinks, their color returns. He stares into it, wishing he didn't have to look at himself. But, it was out of his control. Bathrooms have mirrors, he has a face. That's just how it works.  
Hideous, Blurry chuckles. Tyler just solemnly nods at his reflection. "Repulsive," he violently whispers under his breath. He hated the way he smiled, the way he looked when he was tired, how skinny he was. It was all just wrong to him.  
"Hideous disgusting creature, you are. I wish you were dead..." He mumbles to himself. The only time he could ever go a sentence without stuttering was when he stared in the mirror. And the words he said weren't even close to positive- ever.  
Tyler decides to veer his attention away from the smudged mirror and looks in his medicine cabinet. It wasn't really only his but he was really the only one who used it. He basically kept all his medication in it, obviously, along with razor blades and ace bandages, peroxide, and other stuff like antibiotics- anything that would be in a first aid kit for when his clumsy hands scrape his skin the wrong way. Tyler stares at all the assorted pill bottles and how they're grouped together alphabetically and by importance. He takes his migraine medication, his anxiety medication, his antidepressants, and a dozen more. There was a total of at least 30 pills he had to take daily, otherwise he'd have to deal with unwanted issues.  
Tyler was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression about 3 years ago when he was thirteen. His parents suspected so when his mother found a poem that had strayed from the rest of his papers. It talked about all of his fears catching up to him and consuming him one by one. Turning him into a silhouette, forcing him to walk around in eternal darkness where nobody could see him or hear his screams. He was immediately sent to a therapist and came back home with dozens of pill bottles. 

He washes his face and looks back up into the cabinet and pulls down the box of razor blades. He pulls one out of the box and methodically fiddles with the edges, knowing exactly what he could do.  
Do it...Blurry whispers so sinister it sends a chill down Tyler's spine. He stares at the blade gleaming in his hand, the edges slicing into his fingers. All he does is stare into the reflection of the light and turns the blade over a few times. After a while he shakes the thought out of his mind, puts the razor back in the box and stows it away in its place.  
Tyler proceeds to brush his teeth and slowly drag his feet down the stairs. The kitchen floor sent a cold shock through Tyler's bare feet, and he curls his toes as he walks to the fridge. There was nothing to eat...  
"Well, great..." He mumbles as he slams the fridge door shut. In the corner of his eye, he catches a glimpse of his dad's wallet. Inside was $30 and some change, along with a Taco Bell coupon for 20% off burritos. Tyler saw this as an opportunity, since there was a Taco Bell a few blocks from his house and his family has left him to fend for himself. He grabs his dad's wallet, throws on his slippers, and heads out the door.  
Outside was very dry and cold. Tyler could see his every breath in the brisk night air, and he shivered as he walked down his driveway. He refused to go back into his house for his hoodie, because no matter how insecure he seemed, he had too much pride. His long sleeve shirt seemed like enough not to get frostbite, so he continued down the road, not understanding why it got so cold in August. 

Inside the Taco Bell wasn't as crowded as Tyler wanted it to be. He felt so out of place when only five other people were scattered around the room. He walks up to the counter and places the coupon on the table and looks up at the cashier.  
"So, do you want a burrito?" She looks at him, expecting some kid of answer. Tyler smiles softly yet awkwardly and nods. She types it into the monitor and looks back up at him. "Would you like a drink to go with that, sir?" The way she called him sir amused Tyler. She looked his age if not slightly older. He looks up at the menu and taps his finger on the counter. "Do you have any R-r-r...." He stops and inhales deeply, counting his taps. "R-r-redbull...?" He doesn't look her in the eye. Instead he stares at her name tag. Rose. He wonders if Rose thought he was an idiot. She just smiles sweetly and politely looks at him. "I'm sorry, sir we don't sell those here. Can I interest you in anything else, though? How about a cherry limeade slushy?" She offers him, pointing at the slushy machines behind her. Tyler looks down and nods, feeling knots in his stomach tighten and pull. She types it in and totals it up. "Okay, sir that'll be $23.50."  
Tyler's eyes widened. All that for a burrito and a large slushy? He thought to himself. He hands her the $30 he stole from his dad and she gives him his change. Tyler stands and waits until she hands him his food, then struggles to find a place to sit. There were no spots for one person, only groups of two and more. Great...Tyler sighs and sits at a two person table and sets his tray down. Then he sees Josh walk in the entrance. Wow, just my luck, he thinks to himself. Just my luck. 

Tyler realizes that the burrito isn't worth how much embarrassment he'd go through if Josh saw him here. He picks it up and attempts walking out the side door of the restaurant. When he thinks he's lost Josh, he sighs in relief and pets his burrito affectionately. His hunger gnawed at his stomach like a parasite, so he takes one satisfying bite of the burrito. Then, a hand pats his shoulder. Tyler freezes, unwilling to turn around.  
"Hey..." Josh's voice is soft and low. Tyler senses a different undertone weighing down in his voice. He turns around, still chewing. "...." He just blinks up at him, not at all sure what to do. He takes a moment to swallow his bite and smiles awkwardly at him. "Hey, Josh..." He lets his eyes wander and stop at his shoes. They were different.  
"It kinda feels like you're trying to avoid me, Tyler. Are you?" He cocks his head, curious. Tyler gulps and just stares at his feet. "N-no. Maybe... A little bit, y-yeah..." He shamefully nods, digging his shoe into the dirt. He looks up and sees Josh's expression fall. A wave of guilt consumes Tyler and he can feel himself crumbling. "Oh, okay. Uh, well I'm sorry you, uh...Wanna avoid me..." Josh hesitates, trying to find the right words to use. Tyler tries to make his face show some expression other than guilt and embarrassment, but all that shows up is anger. He shakes his head and decides on indifferent. "No, it isn't you at all, i-it's just that I didn't expect to see you here. I was home alone and was hungry, I didn't m-mean to hurt your feelings..." Tyler quickly looks down, but Josh puts his index finger under his chin, lifting his head. Tyler feels his whole face change completely to red.  
"Hey, you look down too much, dude..." he sweetly says, smiling.  
They stare, and Josh's finger doesn't move. Tyler feels as if he'll never be able to figure this guy out, because Josh finally lets his hand fall. There are no words Tyler can say that'll fix what just happened. The awkward silence becomes too much for him, so he very abruptly turns and walks away.


	3. The Moment

Tyler reaches his front door, hesitantly looking back. He just walked away from his crush with no problem. The door opens with ease as he quietly creeps back inside. It was pitch black outside now, and freezing cold. He took a moment to breathe. He took a moment to just relax for a second. Just a second to connect with reality. He replays the seconds with Josh over and over in his head, regretting his decisions. He weakly stumbles up the stairs and into his room, closing and locking his door.   
Tyler slides against the door, sinking down to the floor. He takes a moment to let it all out. Take a moment to break down, pour everything that he's been bottling up out onto the floor, spilling from his eyes and escaping his throat. This moment suffocates him, like someone is gripping his throat and squeezing hard enough to let him inhale the slightest breath.   
He grabs a journal, one he's had for a few months, flipping through the worn pages. He flattens out the pages and takes a pen. And with that pen, he writes everything he is feeling:

August 8th, 2004

Let me try to put into words, describe what is filling my brain....  
I feel so helpless right now. Why do I exist? All I can get through my lips is jumbled up words. My tongue ties in knots, so I bite down hard, knowing the blood is there. I can't possibly have a purpose here...Can I? The voice in my head, Blurry. He tells me life isn't worth living and I don't believe him, but shouldn't I? I haven't found a trace of a memory worth remembering in my mind, I am failing to see the brighter side. Help. Help, please help.   
That's all I need.  
I'm no Josh. I'm not a perfect guy with the perfect smile and the perfect girlfriend. I'm just me, and that's not ever going to be good enough for me. I feel so useless in the eyes of people who have never even met me. I can't possibly have a purpose. No way. 

He lets the pen fall to the floor and roll next to him. He reads over his sentences, knowing they're just as jumbled as they would have been if he were to attempt speaking them. He picks the pen back up.

I'm going to go see Josh.

He never did.  
______________________________________________________________________

Tyler's parents don't come home that night. He wakes up to an empty house with empty beds. It didn't make a difference anyways. He walks into the bathroom and takes his medication, pulling down the box of razors again. He fiddles with the edges and puts it away, tucking it into the deepest corner of the medicine cabinet. He brushes his hair and slips on a pair of skinny jeans.  
Why do you bother? Blurry chuckles, only lowering Tyler's self esteem tremendously. He doesn't shake his head, he just looks down and leaves the room. He scoops up his book bag on his way out the door and grabs a light hoodie to wear. When he reaches the outside, he sees Josh standing under a tree. Now's my chance to make things right...Tyler takes one step, but stops. Debby comes running towards Josh and they kiss. Tyler walks the other way, avoiding them on his way to school.

"Tyler, you're tardy." His teacher glares at him as he walks into homeroom. "S-sorry. I walked to school the long way..." He speaks the truth, but Mrs. Harris shakes her head, disappointed. Tyler sits down at his seat, avoiding eye contact with Josh, unable to face him at all. Still, Josh speaks to him. 

"Why'd you walk away from me last week? And how come you didn't walk to school with us like usual?" He sounds sincerely concerned, but Tyler stands his ground. He doesn't speak, which hurts him more than anything. Josh frowns and turns away. 

"Okay, did I do something wrong?" Josh rubs his face and sighs, balling up his fists. Tyler just lays his head on the desk, surrounding his head with his arms like a protective wall.   
"Y-you didn't do anything at all, okay? I-it wasn't anything you did or anything you said. It was how you did it a-and the way y-you looked at me while you did it..." Tyler curls up his fingers and toes as he speaks down in to the desk.   
Josh looks down at him, confused more than anything. "Hey...Are you talking about what happened at Taco Bell...?" He outs his hand next to Tyler's head, hesitant and frankly a little scared. Tyler nods, still barricading himself from Josh with his arms. 

"I don't wanna talk about it, okay? I-I never wanna talk about it..." Tyler finally sits up, aggressively pushing back his chair and standing. The entire class looks back at him, and he storms out of the door without thinking twice about it. He could hear Josh and his teacher calling out for him in the distance, but he just runs through the double doors that lead to the outside world. 

The pitter patter of his feet against the pavement as he runs home makes everything so intense in his mind. He runs, losing his breath with every step, knowing each step is destroying him from the inside out. His door flings open to his advantage as his mother is startled in his presence. He says nothing to her as he sprints up the stairs into his room.   
"Tyler, honey? Is everything okay?" His mom's voice is sweet and warm like tea and honey. But, he could almost taste the artificial concern that blurted out of her mouth. "Yes, mom. E-everything is perfectly f-fine." His mom grabs her keys and frowns. "Okay, well I'm leaving for work. You know how to reach me."She makes her way for the door. Tyler waits to hear her footsteps venture out of the front door, and props his elbows on his window sill to see  her off. When she steps in the car and leaves, Tyler opens up his window and gathers up all his thoughts.   
He lets a huge cry out from the pit of his stomach out into the air for everyone around him to hear. He wanted people to know he existed and to listen to him for a change. But he knew that screaming wasn't going to make his world go 'round.

Tyler takes a moment to breathe. He takes a moment to take deep breaths and close the window. And in that moment, he just stops everything.   
Do  it, Blurry says loud and clear. Tyler lifts his head up to the ceiling and sighs. "Okay, I'll do it..."


	4. Hangman

Tyler couldn't sleep, and just like any other night he just lied there, staring into the ceiling, thinking of his existence. The thought of ending it all crossed his mind once or twice like always, only it was on his own. Blurry had been awfully quiet that night, and it honestly worried Tyler that he maybe was planning something. He plays with his fingers as he lays on his back. One twirling around the other in a circular motion, calming his nerves. All Tyler wanted was a distraction.   
The bathroom light turns on. He can see Zack walk into the bathroom. He hears the door lock and the medicine cabinet open. Tyler thinks nothing of it, he was too tired to think too deeply in the situation. He brought his focus back onto the ceiling, creating his own constellations with the popcorn material used to create the cheap house's top. The bathroom door opened slowly, the light already off. Tyler peers at his brother's shadow lingering in the hallway. He could hear his breathing, but he never heard him move.   
"Zack...? What're you doing?" Tyler finally sits up from his bed and steps closer in the darkness. He holds his arms out so he can feel his way through the room. He receives no answer. All he can manage to hear is the creaking of the floorboards. His brother takes another step towards him. Tyler feels his hand poke  Zack's cheek. "What the hell!" Tyler jumps back, startled by his young brother.   
"Did I wake you? I'm sorry... I haven't been feeling too good lately." Zack backs away and turns on the bedroom light on. Tyler squints as he waits for his eyes to adjust to the abrupt brightness. As soon as he is given the chance, he scans his brother's expression. "Are you okay?" He steps closer. Zack's eyes are watered and Tyler can see his cheeks stained with dried tears. His eyes were bloodshot, his expression of utter heartbreak.   
Tyler places a hand on his shoulders. "Y-you can talk to me, Zack. Come on, what's going on with y-you?"   
Zack looks down at his socks. Tyler sees him biting back tears. The entire moment  slowly ripped Tyler's heart in half. He couldn't get him to talk, and he didn't want to force it out of him. But his little brother was only 14 and he was scaring him.   
"I'm not gonna force you to speak,"he pulls him into a hug and wraps his arms around him tight,"But I want you to know I'm here for you..."   
____________________________________

The morning came despite Tyler's passionate hatred for sunlight. After what happened last night, he was in a pretty big daze. His reality took a crashing, falling through the fragile ground that held it up. He couldn't stand on his own at first, so he supported himself with the wall, dragging his feet to the bathroom. He stares at the closed door. Like last night, Zack was in there. He could hear him wincing and mumbling to himself. Tyler pressed his fingers against the door softly and patted on it. "You okay in there?" He gently asks his brother, leaning against the door. Zack drops something on the floor and swears under his breath. "Yes, I'm okay!" He shouts loud enough for Tyler to realize that something wasn't right. Instead of interfering with the situation, he respected Zack's privacy and walked back into the room. He wasn't sure if that was necessarily the right choice to make in this situation, but it was already too late to change his mind, for he already pulled on some skinny jeans, looped on a belt, and combed his hair to his best ability with an ancient comb he found collecting dust on his dresser- without a mirror.

The classroom had a dreary feeling as Tyler walked inside, as if a tension still lingered between him and Josh. When he sat down next to him, he wasn't greeted with a signature smile like always, which disappointed Tyler. It meant he'd have to say the first word. Josh was busy writing on a blank sheet of copy paper. Tyler glanced over his shoulder to find Josh sketching out a game of Hangman.   
"W-what's that?" He asked anyway, pretending to not know what it was. Josh smiled faintly, less cheerful and colorful than any other day. "Wanna play?" He motions towards the paper. It showed space for a phrase. "_'_  _ _ _  _ _ _ _." Tyler stares at the paper. He takes a moment to notice the apostrophe in the first word.   
"I. M...." He looks for Josh's answer. He watches him neatly write the letters on the lines. "I'm not okay?" Tyler looks up at Josh. Josh writes the entire phrase out. "How'd you know so quick?" He smiles at him, that beautiful smile Tyler had missed so much. "I've used that phrase more than once, you know...." Tyler notes the fact that he hasn't stuttered in a while. It was definitely a sign he was warming up to Josh,  but it meant that now he's conscious again and will probably begin to stutter once more.   
"Well, I have too...In case you couldn't tell." He looks down at the page again and Tyler frowns. "Why?" He manages to make his voice sound soft and reassuring, like his therapist used to sound. Josh shakes his head, and Tyler could tell he was folding in on himself.   
"You know, you can talk to me, dude. Come on..." He stops for a second. The sentence sounded to familiar. It was similar to the one he used when speaking to Zack last night. He flashes back to that moment for a split second, losing his train of thought. Josh doesn't look at Tyler, but he sighs and folds his arms over his head, trying to hide his tears. "Debby...."  
That was all he needed to say. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh's shoulder and hugged him tight, never seeing the point of letting go. "It's okay, man. I'm here for you." He felt a tear drop on his finger, and when he looks Josh in the face, he sees him silently weeping to himself. It was the first time that Josh ever seemed normal, the first time he's shown any emotion that wasn't happy or confused. Tyler knew it was wrong to smile at his friend's pain, but a voice in his  head had to remind him something.   
This means he's single now. Tyler attempts to stop grinning. He just hugs Josh tight, never wanting to let him from his embrace. It felt...good.  
"I know you're a good friend." Josh abruptly turns to face him and their noses bump. Tyler lets go of Josh and leans backwards, avoiding any further collision. He feels his face flame up, but Josh looked unaffected. "S-sorry..." Tyler smirks. Josh stuttered.    
Whatever feeling Tyler had, it felt wrong. Like something was off about Josh, like something was being left unsaid. He decided not to mention it to Josh. Instead, he just observed him very closely. He had makeup over his eye, a nude color as if to cover a bruise.   
"Hey, Josh...Um...." He takes a deep breath, reconsidering his words. "Can I see something really quick?" Josh looks up at him and nods, confused. Tyler takes his chance and grabs Josh by the chin with one hand and smears his eyelid with the other. A dark ill colored bruise is uncovered. Josh tries to resist Tyler, but gives in, looking down in shame.   
"What's this...?" Tyler puts his hands down and grabs Josh's hand. "...Nothing." Josh doesn't look up, but Tyler could see right through him. "Your dad, right? He's a drunk or something...Am I right?" He feels Josh squeeze his hand tighter. It was all enough. This moment was all enough for Tyler. He was holding Josh's hand and watching him unfold before him, revealing the broken soul that solemnly lingered behind his perfect smile.   
"...I-it's okay, Josh."   
That's all that was needed to be said. That's all Tyler wanted to say. It was all he could say. 

Josh didn't speak much the whole day, and it felt like Tyler was the one making conversation for a change. They silently road the bus home and parted ways. That was when Tyler decided to see if Josh actually lived next door. Surely enough, Josh was walking into the house right next to Tyler's.   
Josh sees him watching him walk to his front door and smiles for the first time today. "Wanna come in?" He hollers at Tyler invitingly. Tyler awkwardly shakes his head, and continues walking to his front door. "N-No thanks, I have homework, and my...my brothers and sister are home alone..." He tried to make up excuses. He knew none of them were very believable, but they were all kind  of true.   
He watched Josh frown, and he could see it on his face that he really had hoped he'd say yes. "I'm sorry..." Tyler kicked a pebble into the grass as he sheepishly looks down at the sidewalk. Josh fakes a smile for a second then lets it naturally dissipate. "It's fine, dude. Maybe next time..."

Josh disappeared into the door as he slowly closed it behind him. Tyler frowned and angrily hit the side of his head as he walked inside his own house.   
Stupid, he thought. Absolutely stupid.   
He breezed through his homework and kissed his little siblings goodnight. That left him alone in his bed once again, pondering his own existence yet again. Wondering about Zack, if he was okay...  
Was he okay?


	5. ***WARNING***

***DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS CHAPTER IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED EASILY***  
THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM, AND SO I ENCOURAGE YOU TO JUST SKIP THIS CHAPTER IF THAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO AVOID. IF THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU THEN MOVE RIGHT ALONG .  
IF YOU WANT TO STILL READ IT BUT YOU APPLY TO THIS WARNING, SKIP TO THE BREAK IN THE TEXT WHERE HE;S AT SCHOOL AND READ IT FROM THERE (YOU DON'T HAVE TO)   
OKAY, HAPPY READING!!!!!!!!


	6. Weaknesses

Tyler didn't sleep. He looked over at his clock.   
4am...He breathed heavily to himself, ripping his body away from the covers, standing from his bed. All of a sudden it was like something clicked in his mind, and he couldn't tell if something had moved into place or out of place. All he knew was that he was headed towards the bathroom again. The floor creaked under his feet as he slowly and carefully tip toed down the hall, mindful of his sleeping family. The door to the bathroom groaned as he pushed it opened and closed, locking it shut when he settled inside.   
Don't fight it, kid...Blurry's tone was more sinister than usual, and it had a different undertone. Something more on the evil side and not just the creepy side like always. I  
t's now or never.  Tyler opened his cabinet and reached for the box of raisers. When he pulled a single one out of its casing, it glistened in the light. Stainless. He ran it across his finger softly, testing the sharpness. His finger didn't bleed, but a layer of skin was broken. Tyler bent his index finger and winced when the pain kicked in, blood trickling from the cut that was deeper than it seemed to be.   
"Ouch..." He whispered under his breath, holding the opposite end of the razor. He looked at himself in the mirror and inhaled, disappointed in what he saw. "Look at you...You're ridiculous," he mumbled at his reflection. He glanced back down at the razor, which was still stainless. Then, he looked at his bleeding finger, and back up at his pathetic reflection.   
Tyler finally let his eyes fall on his wrist. It wasn't something he'd ever done before, and he didn't know why it was something he'd do now.  
"Stupid..." he pressed the blade lightly against his pale skin. Just enough for him to know it was there.   
"Ugly..." He pressed it down a little harder, so it stung a little- like the word "ugly".   
"Pathetic..." He pressed it down more, wincing at the burning. He didn't care, though.   
"Worthless...." He slowly let the blade glide along his wrist. He held back tears and bit his lip, looking up so it didn't hurt as much.  
"Nothing." He cut deeper, repeating the same path. He didn't look at the damage, he knew it was bad but could've been worse. He held the razor up to his face so he could see it clearly. It was red at the tips. No longer stainless, no longer beautiful. He saw his reflection in it, and it was red.   
"Nothing at all..." He returned the razor to its box and stowed it away, back into the back of the medicine cabinet. Then, the adrenaline wore off. He threw himself against the bathroom door and slid down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and burrowing his face between his knees. He cried out as quietly as he could manage, because now more than ever, he didn't want to wake anybody up.   
_____________________________________________________________________

Tyler fell asleep on the bathroom floor last night. He woke up to the sound of furious banging on the door.   
"OPEN UP YOU LITTLE TWIG! I NEED TO MAKE UP FOR THE 30 MINUTES YOU ALREADY WASTED IN THERE. WE'RE ABOUT TO BE LATE!" The tone of his voice made Tyler realize it was Zack. He quickly tugged his sleeve down- just the one- and winced as he remembered exactly what happened last night. Then, he scurried to unlock the door, standing as though nothing happened.   
"What were you doing? Taking a shit?!" Zack angrily pushed Tyler out of the way and grabbed his tooth brush.   
"S-sorry...I-I d-didn't...-" He inhales, giving up. Why bother trying so hard to speak when he had absolutely nothing to say? 

School. School was awkward. It wasn't like he meant for it to be any more awkward than it usually was for him. But his time he actually had something to lose, and something to hide- something horrible.  
Josh didn't show up on time like any other day. In fact, Tyler was almost afraid that he wouldn't show up and he'd be trapped in silence again, afraid off chasing anyone who tried to talk to him away with his pathetic stutter. But sure enough, his knight in shining armor and ripped skinny jeans came strolling through the classroom entrance, his bookbag smugly slung over one shoulder. The look on his face battled away the fear thumping in the pit of Tyler's stomach, melting away his doubts.   
"Hey, dude. Sorry I wasn't here before you. My brother had a uh...." Tyler watches as Josh fidgets in place, swinging his bag onto his desk and rubbing the back of his neck. "He had a little incident last night." Josh laughs, the kind of laughter that someone does when they don't want you to know the truth or even try to ask about it.  
But all Tyler could think of was the fact that he didn't know that Josh had siblings like him. Why didn't he know that?   
"I-It's all good, Josh..." Tyler sheepishly looks down, face bright red.   
"Alright, cool. So did I miss anything? You didn't happen to meet any potential girlfriends without me, did you?" Josh playfully elbows Tyler in his ribs. It was a simple game Tyler played, letting Josh believe he was straight. He didn't really think of it as lying, but as leaving some vital information out. If he told him his sexuality, then Josh would probably avoid him, fearing that Tyler would catch feelings for him- which was way too late. Then, there was the whole mental issues and medication talk Tyler refused to allow to happen. If just one person could believe that Tyler was a "normal" guy then, dammit he didn't want to ruin it with the truth. And if lying to his close (and only) friend was the only way to make that a possibility then, dammit lying was what he'd have to do, no matter how much it hurt him on the inside.   
Tyler lets out a breathy laugh and shakes his head. "No...Not...Not yet, no..." His words slip out slowly as he tries to process them carefully at the same time. Josh glances over at Jenna for a second and then back at Tyler. "What about..." He eyeballs  Jenna again, signalling Tyler to look in her direction.   
"Wh-wha...Jenna? No!" Tyler blurts out, almost revealing too much of his repulsion towards Josh's assumption. Josh snorts at Tyler's protest, his dimples creasing into his cheeks. Tyler stares for a second, still flustered yet starstruck.   
"Come  on! I see the way you act around her when I'm not around, dude you can't even deny it!" Josh claps a hand on Tyler's back, a little to aggressively in his opinion. He winces as Josh's hand removes from his shoulder blade. "Sorry dude. I can get a little rough sometimes." Josh slings his arm over Tyler's shoulder. It leads him into a false sense of security and for a split second- just a second- Tyler feels as if nothing was ever going to be wrong ever again. The smell of blueberry muffins from the cafeteria serving breakfast soaked Josh, and Tyler inhaled it all. But then the worst thing happened.   
"Let's go talk to her." Josh eagerly tugged at Tyler's hand. When Tyler gritted his teeth and winced again, Josh froze in motion. "What's wrong?" He  loosens his grip and frowns, concerned. "Are you okay?" He looks deeply into Tyler's eyes. All Tyler wanted to do was nod. Another white lie wouldn't kill him, he thought. Only, he shook his head instead. Then, he said the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong way.  
"No, not today, Josh."


	7. Overcomers

Something was different about tonight than any other night for Tyler. The voice in his head- erm...- Blurry... He was quiet. Completely silent, like if Tyler satisfied his thirst for negativity enough. Or maybe mind demons needed sleep too. Either way, Tyler was relieved to even be able to think of actually sleeping. The room he was in had a static buzzing . It didn't bother him the slightest bit, though. That and the ticking of the seconds going by actually soothed him, just him knowing he was there, going through time like any normal person. It was refreshing.   
Not even ten minutes into staring at the ceiling, Tyler felt his eyes weighing down, closing softly, greeting what was sure to be a peaceful slumber. 

It was darkness. In his dream, nothing but black. Tyler was used to black, because he rarely ever dreamed. It was like an extended blink, instant time travel into the morning, unaware of anything. It changed in an instant though. It wasn't all black. He watched his mind paint a picture of a familiar place. It started off blue, like a clear sky. Then, it branched off to the greens and yellows of the grass and trees. Nothing better than the transition between summer and fall. The setting was painted, this he could see with his own eyes.   
The entire thing was like a movie at first, one that he was in. It was like he was standing there watching it all happen, his point of view. Then the imaginary camera panned outward and showed something that started off as just his silhouette, then it colored itself in. He wiggled his fingers, smiling- impressed. Someone was off in the distance. It was hard for Tyler to make out all the details while it was still a work in progress.   
"Josh...?" Tyler's voice echoed in the empty meadows. The head with the beautifully accurate face turned and stared back at him. "Ty..." His signature smile had scarred Tyler's mind. It was something that would never leave him, in the best way possible. But something about him calling him "Ty" made a knot in his imaginary stomach tighten and pull. It was like driving a stake through his gut...It was guilt.   
"How'd you get here?" Tyler slowly traveled through the grass towards him. Josh's dimples pierced deeply into the sides of his cheeks like crescent moons. The smile had yet to disappear off of his perfect face. "You brought me here, dude. Calm down...Is it really wrong when you're the one thinking about me?" He pointed at Tyler playfully, booping his nose with his index finger. Tyler smiled, remembering it was just a dream. It was okay to feel the fluttering that untangled the knot in the pit of his imaginary stomach. "Oh, yeah...I-I guess you're right, hehe..." Tyler's face flushes red. He didn't know why, it was his dream. Emotions like this shouldn't have felt so real, but then again he wouldn't know, because he hasn't really had a dream like this before. Not one that was peaceful and made no sense yet still was something he never wanted to wake up from.   
"So, what do you wanna do, Ty? You're in charge, ya'know." Josh's eyes crinkle at the sides as he attempts to smile harder. Tyler frowns. He didn't like being in charge of things.  
The silence was only a momentary thing. Josh made conversation like he'd do in reality. "Well, you're not stuttering as much as you do when you're awake, that's good isn't it?" He pats Tyler's shoulder reassuringly after realizing that it sorta sounded like an insult. Tyler knew it was just his mind predicting what Josh would say in this situation, but it still hurt to even think that this could actually be something that Josh was thinking right now. That he noticed that Tyler had issues, and it was weird to him. Maybe one day it would be the reason they stopped hanging out. What if Tyler started stuttering so much that he couldn't even speak? What if his tongue got so tied up that he would never be able to speak again? What if....What if anything happened to Josh and him> Their relationship, their friendship really, what if it fell apart?  
"Ya'know, J-Josh...I think that a quick trip to the edge of the world would do me well. Do you want to come?" Tyler slowly and softly placed his left hand on Josh's right hand, which was rested on Tyler's right shoulder. It sat there for a good second before Josh caught up. "Oh, yeah, definitely! Let's...Let's go!" He squeezes Tyler's hand and leads him through the grass, which only got taller as they walked. 

"Here it is! The  edge of the world." Josh sits down in the ground, his feet dangling into the nothingness. Tyler hesitates before sitting down next to him. The thoughts start to come flooding in. Those negative thoughts. He couldn't control them either. "What would happen if I jumped?"  Tyler asked plainly, looking ahead into the endless sky. Josh's eyes widened and his entire body stiffened. "Why would you want to jump?" His voice's tone was just like the real Josh.   
"I don't know, because I know I have nothing to lose, I mean....-" Josh grabs his hand affectionately and holds it up to his lips. "I would, cause then I'd lose you..." He kisses Tyler's hand gently and holds it close. "Don't jump." Tyler thought about the way Josh's lips felt on his hand. They were soft, something Tyler thought they'd feel like since he's never actually felt them. 

"Okay."  

Tyler jolts awake, gasping for air. The sun was beaming through his blinds. The dream was over.   
"I forgot dreams end..." Tyler whispers to himself. He didn't want it to end. "I should be good at sleeping by now, I should've known that dreams always eventually end. Why...Why wouldn't they end if the darkness ends just the same...?" Tyler continued to talk to himself until he realized it was actually out loud. 

Breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed in a nice Saturday lounge outfit- bunny slippers, floral kimono, sweat pants- and then brush the hair last. It was his routine. It's been Tyler's routine for about 6 years, since his mother found out that Tyler liked things like bunny slippers and flowers, and hated his race cars and toy tractors. It has been an eventful 6 years for Tyler, might he add.   
All of a sudden, there was a knock on Tyler's front door. Of course his parents and siblings were out again. Tyler didn't like sports or anything that involved socializing, so he'd always decline their invites to big events. Today, it was a hockey game. Tyler drags his feet to the door and opens it, squinting at the unwanted sunlight. It was Josh.   
"Hey..." He had a black eye. Joshua had a freaking black eye. Tyler immediately flung open the door, allowing it to break past the door stopper, possibly bending it too far. "Are...Are y-you okay?" Tyler held up his hands and hesitated to touch his face, letting them linger in the air between them. Josh faked a smile and laughed nervously. Tyler knew that trick well.  
"Yeah," he let out another, more breathy laugh and looked down at his feet, "I had an accident with a baseball and...well it didn't end too great for me..." He looked up at Tyler, and from what Tyler could make out, it seemed like a pretty believable cover story, but not believable enough to fool Tyler. He grabbed josh's shoulder and pulled him inside. "You can stay here while my family is away, but I'm not letting you go home." Tyler's anger allowed him to avid stammering or clamming up. It hurt something deep down to see his best friend in pain like this. But, hearing him lie about it was a bullet to the head.  
"No, come on man, I feel like I'm intruding..." Josh sounded almost scared, like if he wasn't home at a certain time his parents would give him another black  eye. Tyler sat him down on the couch and furiously plopped next to him. "I don't care, Josh." He didn't mean for it to sound rude, it was only meant to express how angry he felt.   
"I'm...sorry..." Josh fell quiet. His eye only looked worse up close. Tyler couldn't look at him for too long. He redirected his gaze on something else. The kitchen behind Josh, the carpet they rested their feet on, anything but Josh's throbbing eye. "Tell me the truth," Tyler simply demanded the truth. It was nothing more than that. He wanted the truth.   
"I did, Tyler. Don't...Don't worry about it..." Josh looks down at the fuzzy white carpet. "It was stupid. My dad threw the ball too hard, which should've never happened because he told me to look alive. I failed to pay attention, so I got hit right in the eye last night. I guess that's what happens when you play ball inside the house at night." He lets out another breathy laugh and smiles gently, the crescents in his cheeks reappearing. "It was totally my fault..." Tyler could tell Josh wanted him to drop it. That he wanted the subject to be changed fast.   
"Okay, I'm sorry." Tyler finally calms down and leans back on the couch. "What did you come here for?" He brought himself to look up at Josh.   
"I just wanted to talk since you're my best friend and we never hang out on weekends, despite the fact that we live next door to each other..." Josh's answer wasn't wrong. They have been living next door to each other for a couple of months now yet they only talk on school grounds. "Why now, though?" Tyler insisted that there was still more to the story.   
"I don't know, Tyler. Do I really need a reason?" Josh sounded aggravated at this point. Tyler didn't blame him for getting frustrated with his questions. Everything Tyler had the possibility of asking or saying, or even doing, had to be very well thought out. Tyler could see that Josh was in an unpleasant mood at the moment and he didn't want to lose someone important again.  
"I-I guess not...No, sorry..." He ended his wet apology with a compromise. "How about we talk about something else, yeah? How about we change the subject, but only if you let me disinfect that eye of yours?" He stood before Josh could reply, but he saw him nod softly from the corner of his eye.   
"Okay then it's a deal."   
Tyler comes back with a first aid kit and sits next to Josh again. "This is going to sting a l-little..." He forewarns Josh before pressing a cotton ball with alcohol on his eye and rubbing it. He hears Josh wince and smiles at him. "Trust me, I've had worse sports related accidents." He entertains the idea of Josh saying the truth of his mysterious injury, only because he knew what actually happened was more serious than he knew he could handle. Josh laughed at his comment, easing Tyler's stress.   
"There we go, it's a-already fading and isn't s-swelling as much..." He Tried to make Josh feel better.  
"Okay, I know I'd agreed  we'd change the subject away from visible injuries, but  I've got one thing I need to ask you." Josh frowns up at Tyler, who was all ears.   
"Okay, s-shoot."  
"How'd those scars get on your arm?"   
Tyler's heart stops beating and falls into his stomach. He feels the color drain away from his face. Then he realized, 'scars' ? He looks down at things he didn't remember being there.   
"I-I don't...I don't actually know..." Tyler stares perplexedly at his arm, which was covered in five or six horizontal scars.   
Josh shakes his head. "Okay, we need to talk."


	8. Silver Lining

Josh stayed over Tyler's house for hours. It was more pleasant than Tyler had expected it to be. Maybe it was because he lied to Josh successfully about the origin of those scars, the ones he didn't know were there. He faked recalling a memory of falling and scraping his arm against the concrete. 

Tyler's parents and siblings came home late at night, almost around midnight. Tyler was in his room with Josh, laughing away anything and everything. He didn't even remember what they began to talk about or how the conversation ended. He just knew that Josh was in his room.

"Tyler, honey! We're home!" Kelly Joseph, the mother who smothered her children with hugs and kisses, made her way up the stairs and around the corner to look into Tyler's room. "Oh, well, hello Joshua! I didn't think I'd find you in my house at midnight..." Both boys stopped laughing. Tyler cleared his throat, but Josh was the one who answered.   
"Hi Mrs. Joseph. Sorry for intruding, but your son makes great conversation and my house was getting too quiet. I came here to escape everyone that didn't want to speak." He ran a hand through his hair, which was different than it was than they first met. It was a periwinkle blue. He didn't notice that before, which he thinks is because he was distracted by the damage done to his face.   
"No, it's okay, dear. I'm just glad to see my son here has a friend! Stay as long as you like. You could even spend the night  if you wanted!" Tyler's face nearly burned out of existence when his mother finished that last sentence. He turned to Josh to see if he had a similar reaction, but he didn't. He had wide eyes, but they had a fear in them.   
"Um, actually I think I'm gonna head out in a few...My dad...He doesn't know I'm here..." Josh laughs nervously, trying to appear calm,"I mean, why would he? I'm in my rebellious stage, right Mrs. J?"   
It must've been an inside joke between the two of them, because Tyler didn't get it. All he knew at that point was that Josh was scared to go home.   
"A-Actually, mom can you can his dad to let him know Josh is staying over tonight?" Tyler straightens his posture to show his mom he really wanted this. Kelly was pleased with her son.  
"Okay! I hope he's awake at this time. I'll get right to it, honey! See you two in the morning." And to his surprise, Tyler's mother was gone.   
"S-sorry about that...My mom can be a bit...much when we have company over. It's sorta why you're m-my first guest- well that and the fact that I c-can barely speak full s-sentences without second guessing myself..." Tyler trails off of his sentence before his mind started jumping between different subjects. Josh finally softens his mood, tense shoulders easing. "Don't say that, dude. You're a cool guy, Ty." Josh smiles, eyes lighting up. "I'm gonna call you Ty Guy!"   
Tyler snorts. "My mom calls me that sometimes...So does my brother."   
Josh stares at Tyler for a few seconds, as if analyzing him. "Okay, I wanna be original. Tyjo. Originating from your name, Tyler Joseph, but now shorter." He folds his arms as if he knew it was clever. It was, and kinda cute in Tyler's opinion. "Okay, yeah nobody has ever called me that before..." 

Soon, it was time for bed. 3am had always been Tyler's cutoff time for the nights he could never sleep. Josh seemed be readier than Tyler was. He was curled up in a ball in the corner of Tyler's bed, eyelids heavy, but not closed.   
"You...tired?" Tyler yawned, adjusting himself under the covers and laying his head on the welcoming pillow. Josh slowly shook his head, falling silent soon after. Both boys fall asleep immediately, each curled up on the bed. And, for the first time ever, Tyler slept peacefully.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tyler is abruptly awoken by the sound of a deep male voice downstairs. It was a booming and loud, grumbly , and was followed by an all too familiar male voice- Josh.   
"What're you doing here, boy?! You think that just because you step into someone's house without me knowing I won't find out where you are? Huh, is that it, boy?! Do you want me to renew that black eye of yours, son? Cause I sure as hell will have no problem snatching you up just like I do your mother!" Tyler assumed it was Josh's father, and proceeded to freeze in place. Then, he convinces himself to get up and do something about his friend getting beaten while inside Tyler's  home.    
"H-hey...Y-you can't be in h-here!" Tyler shouts as he steps down the staircase. Josh's father looks up at him and shoots a death glare that sends chills down his spine.   
"And, who are you, kid? The hell is my son doing in your house?" His voice was a sinister calm tone.   
Josh sent a frightened look in Tyler's direction that begged "Don't tell him the truth" , which killed Tyler.   
"I-I'm..." Tyler glances over at Josh, and then back at his terrifying dad,"I'm h-his best friend..." He changes his original lie to what he believes is enough of the truth. Josh's horrified expression softens when he hears Tyler's answer, and he starts inching away towards the stairs while his dad processed a response.   
Without saying another word, he was gone, but not before staring the two of them down and eyeing Josh the hardest. Something inside Tyler twisted into knots that tightened over and over again, folding in on themselves creating bigger knots. Josh just stood in the middle of the living room, staring off into the distance.   
"Thank you, Ty..." He says quietly, barely a whisper. "I....I'm sorry you had to see that..." He turns to face Tyler, who finally made his way down to the bottom of the stairs. "I-It was nothing, really...Why didn't you just tell me that you lived in such a bad situation?" Tyler's concerns and fears started to bleed through his rather calm appearance as he clenched his teeth and balled up his fists. Another shiver went shooting down his spine as Josh stared at him for a second.   
"I didn't want you to see me any differently, Tyler. You're the only person who hasn't started a conversation with me by asking me how I'm doing or if anything was still going down at home, or checking me for any new bruises or injuries....I just wanted to feel normal to at least one person, to still have a good reason to truly hold my head up high and flash a real smile as I walk down the halls. I just needed that person who was the silver lining to my cloud...Tyler, you're the thread I'm holding onto right now, and I don't want you to leave me like Debby did, or drop me like all my friends did...." Josh's eyes start to water, which made Tyler's sting in the same way. He pulls him into a hug and hugs him tight. He holds on like letting go would make Josh fall apart into a million fragile little pieces. "I'm always here for you," he whispers, voice cracking but no stutter. It was a clear statement. He feels Josh's shoulders tense up and then relax. Finally, he hugs back after his hesitation seems to melt away in Tyler's arms.   
"...Tyler..." Josh talks into Tyler's shoulder. Tyler doesn't let go of him, but he loosens his grip so then it would hurt less when he had to let go. "Yes...?" He nervously responds, admittedly afraid of whatever Josh was going to ask or say to him. He feels him inhale a huge breath and allows him to tug away from the friendly, reassuring hug.   
"I ...." Tyler notices him choosing his words wisely and smiles faintly. "You can tell me anything, Josh. What's...What's up?" He starts to get anxious again, but manages to hide it all behind a slightly bigger smile.   
"You're so important to me, and I don't know how you manage to do that. I mean, I don't let a lot of people in, despite the fact that I came to you. Honestly, I thought that you'd never speak to me, and I thought it was because you knew. I knew deep down it wasn't possible though, because I have only been going here for a short amount of time. I knew there was no way you could've known about my misfortunes. But...You changed me, Tyjo. I never saw myself living this far, believe it or not. But, like I said before, you're my silver lining. I know, it's stupid, it sounds so cheesy, but it's all true. This isn't fake. I wasn't dumped by Debby....I broke up with her. I told her that I didn't feel anything in our relationship anymore, and I left her. I tried to still be friends, but she never wanted to see me again...." Josh looks down at his feet, which had its toes curled up. Tyler knew what he was feeling.   
"Why would you break up with D-Debbby...? Tyler shifts his weight so that he was standing up straighter than before. Josh clears his throat, obviously trying to figure out how to say his words again.  
"I realized I had my eye on someone else..." He doesn't look up, and Tyler doesn't get it. "As in...? Is she cute or...?" He jokes, still oblivious. Josh chuckles, shaking his head. "Eh, yeah their pretty cute, but I prefer to call this certain somebody adorable." He looks up at Tyler, raising an eyebrow.   
"Oh?" Tyler meets his eyes and Josh nods, smirking at him.   
"Oh....OH!" Tyler finishes processing what he means and flushes red. "M-me?! Me?!" He points to himself and looks around, more flustered than anything. Where was his family when anything interesting ever happened in his life?   
"Yes, you, Tyler. It's pretty much been you since Taco Bell." Josh admits, his cheeks turning a rosy pink. Tyler gets lost in his dimples again, well before responding. Josh catches him staring and laughs. "Is that too weird?" He holds his hands out and cups Tyler's face, staring into his eyes.   
"Is...Is it?"   
Tyler shakes his head, shutting his eyes tightly. It couldn't have been real. It was the ending of his dream, it had to have been. But, as much as Tyler wanted to be right, he couldn't wake up. This was really happening. He felt tears make their way down his cheeks, caught by Josh's thumbs. He didn't even know why he was crying when he was getting everything he wanted. "No, it isn't too weird..." He finally spits out his words, and they linger in the air for a while. Something burned inside of Tyler's head. It didn't feel good either.   
Josh's hands stayed cradling Tyler's face. The space between them was so small, either one of them could've closed the gap. But, Tyler was in too much pain, and Josh was in too much fear. Tyler's head started getting worse, and that's when he realized it was almost noon.   
I didn't take my medication....Tyler's eyes widen as he finds the source of his pain. A migraine had come to ruin his fairytale. He knew he'd never get back these precious moments he was in right now, so he decides not to waste it while he was in so much pain.   
"I...I need to take my medication, Josh..." Tyler puts his hands over Josh's and pulls them gently away from his face. "If I don't, I'm not ever going to e-enjoy the memory of our first kiss..." He manages to smile at the periwinkle blue boy who was standing in front of him, who smiled widely in understanding, not questioning what the medication was for. 

Tyler walks up the stairs, takes his millions of pills, washes his face, and brushes his teeth. Then he starts to wonder, would it be wrong to kiss him right now?   
It seemed okay, but it also felt like stealing. But, Tyler saw all odds in his favor for the first time, and knew this would never happen again. Their first kiss would be downstairs, in the middle of the living room, shortly after Tyler had saved Josh from unnecessary pain. It was a beautiful love story, but he didn't know if he wanted to take the risk.   
At the end of his own debate, he was running out of the bathroom, running down the stairs, running into Josh's arms, holding him close, kissing him- And the kiss was Tyler's silver lining. Something new, something passionate, something worth living for. He never wanted to pull away, but he couldn't breathe. When he pulled away, he started to see the world in more color. 


End file.
